I Need to Decorate my Car

On my 12.5-mile, 1.25-hour commute home earlier this week, I was heavily influenced by other people's cars. I then decided that I need to add some "flair" to my car. I have a Honda Civic, so that gives me a great advantage right away.

First of all, I'm going to tint my windows until they're black. Then I'm going to add a spoiler, some chrome tail light covers, a couple of racing stripes, and some flashy rims worth more than the car. I can't forget to add a large "2002 Honda Civic" decal to each side of the car. Most importantly, I'm going to get an exhaust pipe the diameter of a cantaloupe so my car can sound like a weedeater when I rev my engine. Then I'll randomly hit the gas while driving down the highway just to prove to everybody that I'm a badass.

But this won't be enough! I'll also need to add a couple of memorials to dead people. I think I'll add "In memory of Yehudi Menuhin 1916-1999" and "In memory of Estée Lauder 1906-2004." But these mobile tombstones are usually for people who croaked at a young age. Therefore, I'll also add "In memory of River Phoenix 1970-1993."

Finally, to show the tender side of my personality, I'll slap one of those "I love my wife" bumper stickers on my rear bumper. I've been married for 9 years & have 3 kids with my wife. But in case there's any doubt, I want to advertise that I love her to the thousands of other drivers I encounter every day who give less than a shit about my marital relationship.

Just for fun, I think I might also add "McCain - Palin" and "Obama - Biden" bumper stickers to confuse the hell out of everyone.

Once all of this is done, I'll finally feel better about myself and be secure in my masculinity!