Monday, June 1, 2009

Who Needs Electronic Tuners Anyway?

Now seems like as good a time as any to put in writing the most hysterical and most humiliating gig of my musical career.

About 9 years ago, when I was in the thick of being a full-time musician & gigging 4-5 nights a week, I had a gig at a popular local club. This gig was a little unusual in that I was scheduled to play with the opening group as well as the main band. I had gigged many times with the first band, but this was the second band's first (and last) time performing together. I had recently been a musician on the second band's first album, so this was sort of our big debut. And I need to stress that I had no plans of becoming a permanent member of this group. This was one of my rare good decisions!

I played with the first group, and the gig went well. During the break, I carefully made sure my instruments were in tune for the second band's set. When it was time to crank it up, the lead singer/lead guitarist walked in with a crappy Peavey or Ibanez electric guitar in one hand, complete with unclipped guitar strings protruding wildly from the machine heads, and a tiny practice amplifier in the other hand. The bass player followed with some cheap-ass bass. I knew right away that this was not going to end well.

We started playing a song, and something was wrong. Terribly wrong. Somebody was out of tune. I did a quick tuning check during the song...nope, it wasn't me. Then I realized that the guitar & bass were out of tune. Actually, they were in tune relative to each other, but not to me! During the song, I tried my best to detune my guitar so that it would match their tuning. Every time I thought I was in tune with them, which was actually out of tune, I realized I still needed to detune further. Finally, after one of the songs, one of the other band members realized that something was out of tune. "Look, why don't we all just use my tuner & make sure we're in tune?" I suggested as I held up my trusty electronic tuner. "Nah, we tuned up outside," said the bass player. "We tuned up to this..." And he proceeded to pull a pitch pipe from his pocket & blow into it, as if to demonstrate that it worked. At this point, I didn't know whether he was serious or playing a cruel joke on me. I realized that he was serious! That pitch pipe was so inaccurate, I don't think its notes were on the musical scale.

We made  it through a few more songs and then we took a break. During the break, I chatted with some friends & discussed the horror that was unfolding on the stage. At some point during the break, the singer got word that we didn't need to bother playing again. Apparently he was so upset, he went outside and cried. Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), we never performed together again. 

This is a story that I'll be telling for decades.

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