Ignorance is Entertaining III

This sign is absolutely hilarious. Can anyone spot the irony here? (And, no, it has nothing to do with Hooters!)

Ignorance is Entertaining II

I present to you two additional entertaining signs that I discovered over the weekend:

Awesome! Where else can you get not only $2 mimosa is, but also a $4 discount on rivertini is?

That is all.

I Need to Decorate my Car

On my 12.5-mile, 1.25-hour commute home earlier this week, I was heavily influenced by other people's cars. I then decided that I need to add some "flair" to my car. I have a Honda Civic, so that gives me a great advantage right away.

First of all, I'm going to tint my windows until they're black. Then I'm going to add a spoiler, some chrome tail light covers, a couple of racing stripes, and some flashy rims worth more than the car. I can't forget to add a large "2002 Honda Civic" decal to each side of the car. Most importantly, I'm going to get an exhaust pipe the diameter of a cantaloupe so my car can sound like a weedeater when I rev my engine. Then I'll randomly hit the gas while driving down the highway just to prove to everybody that I'm a badass.

But this won't be enough! I'll also need to add a couple of memorials to dead people. I think I'll add "In memory of Yehudi Menuhin 1916-1999" and "In memory of Estée Lauder 1906-2004." But these mobile tombstones are usually for people who croaked at a young age. Therefore, I'll also add "In memory of River Phoenix 1970-1993."

Finally, to show the tender side of my personality, I'll slap one of those "I love my wife" bumper stickers on my rear bumper. I've been married for 9 years & have 3 kids with my wife. But in case there's any doubt, I want to advertise that I love her to the thousands of other drivers I encounter every day who give less than a shit about my marital relationship.

Just for fun, I think I might also add "McCain - Palin" and "Obama - Biden" bumper stickers to confuse the hell out of everyone.

Once all of this is done, I'll finally feel better about myself and be secure in my masculinity!

Ignorance is Entertaining

There's no question that ignorance is entertaining. With ignorance being so rampant these days, there are a lot of people who will continue to keep us entertained for a long time. For example, here's a photo on a billboard alongside a major interstate in a metropolitan area near my home:

Yes, buy your boat from the real pro is! What I want to know is how somebody could have let that apostrophe make it through design and printing without noticing it. I guess everybody who proofed that design didn't know the difference between a plural and a possessive. Ugh. Here's another wonderful example:

Sharp employees at that Hobby Lobby! It's a good thing that their clock movements include hand is. One final example:

This is a sign backstage at a popular music venue. Remember, fellow musicians, no bottle is are allowed beyond the sign! Also, the word "pass" is curious here. It works, but my first choice would have been to use the word "past." And I would have put "please" after "point." Oh, well. I won't get too nit-picky.

That is all for now.

Five Things That Amuse Me

1. When people open their car doors at the bank drive-through
2. When a driver changes lanes in order to be first at the light, and then he/she goes slower than the cars in the other lane when the light turns green
3. When people try to pass on the right on the interstate, only to get stuck behind somebody else
4. When a driver blows by me like I'm sitting still, and then I see him/her a few minutes later on the side of the road busted for speeding
5. When a person parks over the line and then flips out because my vehicle is within the lines, but only 5 inches from his/her vehicle

You Say It's Your Birthday...

I turned 34 today. Nobody has asked me if I feel any older or different yet, but I'll go ahead & answer anyway. Nope. I still feel the same. I'm still just as tired & worn out as I was when I was 33, 32, 31, etc. Having kids ages a person! In fact, I've discovered that the number of kids one has is inversely proportional to one's energy level. I've been feeling about 65 years old for a few years now.

I suppose I'm safely in my mid-thirties now. Thirty is a big deal. Then I consider 31, 32, & 33 to be early-thirties, 34, 35, & 36 to be mid-thirties, and 37, 38, & 39 to be late-thirties. I now have just a tad under 6 years to go before I hit 40. I think I should begin planning for my mid-life crisis right now so I won't have to stress about it later. Actually, since the average dude in America now lives just over 75 years, my life's midpoint will occur at 37.5, just 3.5 years from now. That's good...that means by the time I turn 40, I'll have my mid-life crisis behind me!

Let's see...what are my options? Leave my wife for a girl half my age? Never. Hop on a plane & travel to Australia? Possibly. Dye my hair? Probably not...with less than 4 years to go, my hair is still 99% brown. Buy a Corvette? Hmmmm...... I've always wanted a ca. 1965 Corvette Stingray convertible in bright red. I think that might just hit the spot! I guess I should start saving a few pennies here & there so I'll be ready for this purchase when the time comes. There's no worse feeling in the world than attempting to buy a ca. 1965 Corvette Stingray convertible in bright red, only to discover you're a few dollars short. It would suck to have to suddenly downgrade to a Chevelle or something.

Anyway, I'll shut up for now & find something more productive to do, such as cracking my knuckles or picking my nose. Tonight I'm going with my family to eat at my favorite restaurant, and I shall be having a margarita or two. Cheers!

This Blog is an Inspiration

I learned last night that my blog is having a profound influence on some people. The drummer in my band told me that after reading "I Need a Haircut," he had a nightmare about me. When he started telling me about the dream, I expected him to say that my hair kept growing until I looked like Chewbacca, and I threatened to tear his arms out of their sockets. Or maybe the part in the blog about my fat-ass gut made him dream that he was in danger of getting swallowed up by its enormity, much like the Sarlacc attempting to consume Lando Calrissian. 

But I was wrong. My drummer buddy dreamed that I never exercised or lost weight, so I had a heart attack & kicked the bucket. He said he woke up confused & couldn't figure out if I was really dead or not. He then advised me to exercise & eat healthy food so his nightmare about me wouldn't become a reality.

I thought that was pretty funny. That's all I wanted to post for now. Now it's time for me to get back to my triple cheeseburger, fried chicken, and 4 pounds of bacon.